WHY ME?

The last thing I wanted to do was to become a priest. The last place I wanted to end up at the age of 31 is the novitiate. How is it possible? It was not my choice, but someone else’s up there.

From a very traditional Venetian family, I carried out the traditional Catholic journey, respecting – not always with great conviction – the “obligatory steps”: baptism, communion, confirmation …

During my adolescence I rejected the Christian life I had lived up to that moment, the spirituality of do-this-don’t-do-that-otherwise-you-go-to-hell.

At 17 years of age – during a trip to Nicaragua to build up a basketball court for children – something changes. At the end of a day’s work with children, a thought full of joy resounds within me: “how beautiful it would be to dedicate my life serving my neighbour and the Lord!” However I played down this experience, thinking of it as a futile moment of temporary fervour: “why me”?

“Being a priest is not for me”, I try to convince myself over the years. My ideal life is the superior one of the “Mulino Bianco” head of the family: a successful job, a blonde and smiling wife, polite and loving children.

At the age of 29, I feel I have to get hold of my spiritual life, I cannot settle for the daily contingency. I feel I have to fly higher.

I look for something more than a faith lived as an accumulation of devotional practices, a shortcut to heaven. A casual meeting with the Jesuits through the San Fedele film club in Milan does the rest. It is immediately coinciding to a way of living the word of the Lord that I consider authentic and immediate, the only true source of that fullness of life to which I aspire.

“What is the best way to live 100%?” I am often asking myself. The consecrated life starts to seem a tangible reality. Even the reading of The Confessions of Saint Augustine seem to be pushing me into this direction.

But the desire to respond completely is facing a barrier. It is alienated by the idea of a practical life of work, interests, hobbies and, above all, of my future role in society as an established professional and a family man.

And all of a sudden the latter begins to materialize: I have a girl I’m in love with, I have an exciting job as a communication manager of a small multinational company and I lead a stimulating life in the dynamic city of Milan. But it’s not enough for me. At this point it is clear: the path to take is another. And here I am.

It was not a walk in the park. Among the most difficult steps I remember with a certain tension is the launch of the news-bomb to relatives and friends. With my parents, I try to throw it lightly during lunchtime “what would you say if I became a Jesuit?”As I hear their paternal answer “I would prefer if you became a Franciscan”, I understand that they did not take me seriously. For them my choice is the typical event that is only beautiful when it happens to the children of others. My cousin is completely upset: “Did the Virgin Mary appear to you?” And my friends, how many embarrassing moments of silence. One evening, I offer my friends rivers of beer before having the guts to talk about it.

Even now and then I wonder how it has been possible. After all it was enough to say “yes”, pluck up your courage and realize that life is only one. If it is natural to look for the best for oneself, it is also important to grasp it without too many mental blockages.